You Can’t be Mine … Can You?

//”Much has been heard in this courtroom regarding the mitigating circumstances around your actions. Many people present here today and over the past weeks will think that you were more than justified in what you did during this matter. Many will believe that you could not have acted in any other way.  However, no matter how valid those opinions may seem I cannot take them into account when considering my verdict.  However much people would prefer it otherwise, as of this moment this country has no law of self defense, nor any law justifying the slaughter of a person or persons, even if they are threatening to kill others, except in times of war which this patently was not.  Whatever anyone chooses to believe the fact remains that you are a killer. You have killed three men in circumstances that amount to cold blood. That makes you a dangerous man and as such I have no option but to remove you from interaction with normal society. I therefore sentence you to life in prison …//

‘That makes you a dangerous man…

That makes you a dangerous man…

That makes you a dangerous man…’

“Sean.”

“Sean!”

“Sean!!”

Viggo shook Sean gently by the arm.

“Sean, tea.”

Sean came to with a little start.

“Oh yeah thanks Vig.”

He took the tea and sat on the sofa. Viggo pushed a little table towards him with a coaster already on it.

“You ok mate?  You were miles away.”

“Sorry Vig.  Just thinking, you know how it is.” Sean smiled a little at his friend.

“No worries.”  Viggo smiled his understanding. “Look you sit here and drink your tea, there’s plenty more in the pot, if you want it.  I’ll just go help Orli with the errands.  We’ll only be about an hour tops ok.  Then we can have a nice quiet evening together, just the three of us.”

With that and a gentle pat on the shoulder, Viggo left Sean in the den and went off to the car, where Orli was waiting for him.  It had taken quite a bit of persuading to get Sean to stay on for the rest of the day, but they had managed it eventually. They had every intention of trying to get him to stay the night, but that would come later.  At least for the moment Viggo and Orlando were pretty sure Sean would still be there when they got home.

Sean watched Viggo leave, the look in his green eyes following the beloved figure would have given him away if anyone had been watching, but fortunately for Sean, they weren’t.

He had woken from the best sleep he’d had for month’s sandwiched snuggly between his two friends.  The feeling was wonderful, warm, relaxed, and for a few euphoric seconds … happy.

Then memory and reality had kicked in and Sean had asked himself what on earth he thought he was doing. Lying there on a bed between his two best friends as though he belonged there. How could he?  It was wrong … totally wrong. 

But it was good he felt … he felt safe … he felt wanted … he felt … loved.

No matter how much he wanted to stay there, Sean knew for all their sakes he had to move.  He wanted to stay there forever, if the truth be told, but that was impossible and Sean knew it was dangerous even to consider it for a second.  Viggo and Orlando had a perfect relationship with each other and he had no intention of disturbing that, not at all.  They didn’t need him now, they had for a while but now they were ok and they had each other.  It was best for all of them if Sean remove himself from their bed and if he was honest, from their lives. Oh god, he knew it had to come but couldn’t bear to think about it for now. He still had a week of this re-union left before he had to let them go.  He had promised himself that once the reunion was over and he was totally convinced that his friends were fully recovered and happy he would let himself fade from their lives.  Let them get on with their love and their happiness. That was all Sean wanted he was sure…

So, he had carefully removed himself form the bed to the bathroom and stayed there till he had heard Viggo making tea in the kitchen and heard Orlando moaning about promising to take something over to PJ that afternoon.  Still it had been hard. He didn’t want to leave them.  Just being around them was enough would have to be enough because it was all he would ever have.  And not even that once this week was over.

They asked him to stay to supper as soon as he appeared from the bathroom. It meant he could have a few more hours of today though, just to be with them.  Sean knew he shouldn’t. But surely that couldn’t be wrong could it?  Please. He wouldn’t, couldn’t ever hurt Viggo and Orlando so he couldn’t be a danger to them could he? Sean knew what had been said about him by the judge and others besides it was still being said in a number of circles.  But he didn’t feel dangerous; he had never been violent before only when …

Eventually Sean had allowed himself to be persuaded to stay on while Viggo and Orlando did their errands so that he could have supper with them later.

But once they had left, no matter how much he tried not to let it, his tortured mind kept returning to the scene in the courtroom and what the judge had said.  This was obviously the torture his demented mind demons had devised for today. It seemed each day he re-lived, and worried at a different scene and event from that dreadful time.

Of course Sean hadn’t gone to prison.  Well not for long anyway. His friends, fans and supporters had begun a major campaign to get the verdict overturned and the sentence dropped and perhaps, not surprisingly, they had succeeded.  Sean hadn’t even wanted them to try really, because trying had meant that both Viggo and Orlando had had to let the public know the details of what had happened to them and that had been the last thing that Sean had wanted, but the pair had been determined.  They would not let Sean go to prison for saving their lives.  Sean still found it hard to accept what his friends had done for him.  They all treated him like some sort of hero and it was so wrong!  He was no hero. He had allowed himself to be manipulated into that ridiculous killing arena.  There should have been another way. He should have found another way…

//Pain, excruciating, agonizing, burning pain. Pain everywhere. Pain and blood.  His blood, his opponent’s blood.  Spattered around the floor of the makeshift arena in drops and puddles. Noise, shouting, calling, screaming.  Concentrate Sean concentrate, forget the pain, it doesn’t matter, just concentrate. Don’t let him blind side you.  Come on you have to concentrate.  Remember Orlando if you loose they’ll kill Orli. You have to keep alert.  Don’t let him wrap that whip round your legs like that again or he’ll have you down.  It was only luck last time that you managed to stay on your feet. Ok that’s it circle, Wait for him to come to you. Don’t rush in, don’t be impatient. Steady, steady … got him. Hands round the neck, then under the chin twist and … craaaaaack !!!!  Oh fuck!  What had he done?  What had he done? That was a man …

Orlando was safe.  That was all that mattered. Orlando was safe.  The noise went on and on and on and on …//

Someone was screaming. Sean could definitely hear someone screaming…

Viggo and Orlando could hear the screaming as soon as they got out of the car.

“Sean!”  Orlando said and started running.

Viggo had the keys in his hands and let them into the house as fast as he could.

Both men rushed to the den.  Sean was on the floor curled up in a ball whimpering and crying.  The mug had rolled under the table.

“Oh my god!” Orlando said quietly.  This was more than just a few nightmares and not being able to sleep. This was serious; their friend was in deep trouble.

Viggo took hold of Sean’s hands which were clenched so tightly into fists that his short trimmed nails were cutting into his palms, drawing blood.  He pried the fingers apart and held the hands gently in his own. Orlando began rubbing Sean’s back, soothing and gentling.  Coaxing him to relax enough to uncurl and gradually still the whimpering.  Sean’s eyes were squeezed tight shut but the tears were still sliding out and running down his face. His breath was coming in tortured gasps which frightened his friends.  But little by little under their gentle ministrations Sean began to calm.  It took a while but finally he opened his eyes.

“Oh fuck!! Sorry guys.”

“Hey there’s no need for apologies mate, this is us, remember.”

“Yeah well you don’t need me and my crap infecting your lives. You just got everything back together; this is the last thing you need.”  There was an edge to Sean’s voice.

And with that he pulled away from his willing helpers, perhaps a little more roughly than he would have liked, and sat up. Seconds later he was on his feet, although needing a moment to steady himself. Viggo and Orlando rose too.  They looked at each other and understood. If Sean wanted to leave he was going to have to get past both of them to do it. This was serious and they were not letting Sean go through this alone. Not after all he had done for them, no way.

Sean went on.

“Look I know you guys mean well, but I really think it would be best if I just bugger off and leave you to your quiet evening in peace.”

“We’d rather you didn’t.”  Viggo responded, calmly, quietly.

“Oh come on Vig you can’t possibly want me pissing about like that all over you. It’s not fair on either of you.”

“Can’t we? Why not? Lets face it; we pissed around on you often enough during the last two years.”

“That was different.”  Sean’s chin was beginning to stick out like it always did when he was in a determined mood. “You were hurt.”

“Oh and you weren’t?”

“Not in the same way, no, and anyway I don’t matter.”

“You do to us.”  Viggo’s quiet response went through Sean like a knife.

He looked up at his friends, blue-grey eyes and brown eyes met green.  Sean thought he could see the truth of Viggo’s words reflected in those two pairs of eyes. As usual he took refuge in slightly sarcastic insecurity.

“Yeah, sure. Look I should go.”

“No!” this from Orlando.

Sean started walking towards the door but Orlando was faster.  He got there ahead of Sean and stood in front of the door, his arms folded and a gently determined expression on his face.

Sean snorted “Oh come on Orli let me get out the door.”

“No”

“Orli this isn’t funny.  Come on shift.”

“No Sean.  I said no and I meant it.”

“So you really think you’re going to stop me.”

“Yes.  I can and I will, if I have to.”

“You, stop me?”  Sean laughed. “I’m a dangerous man remember, a killer, you wouldn’t stand a chance.”

Viggo let Orlando handle the scene, he stood ready to assist, but didn’t think Orlando needed his help.  However, he did file that comment from Sean away.  It was a clue he was sure of it.  Orlando was speaking again, his tone gentle but determined.

“Bollocks! You dangerous?!  You could no more hurt me Sean, than you could fly to the moon on a broomstick.”

Sean’s face wore his best villain expression as he started again to walk towards the door and Orlando.

“I’m not letting you leave Sean.”

“Oh come on Orli stop dicking about. Let me go, will yer.”

“No.”

Orlando held his ground despite Sean’s menacing presence only inches away.

Sean put one hand out towards the door handle while moving his other to gently push Orlando to the side out of his way. But Orli wasn’t moving.  Sean pushed a little harder.

“Damn it Orli I don’t want to hurt you now move.”

“I told you, no.”

Sean applied only a little more pressure to the shove but Orlando held firm.

“Orli, please.”

Sean was starting to panic he didn’t want to hurt Orlando but he had to leave. He had to, before things got more out of hand.

He changed tactics and grabbed Orlando to pull him away from the door. But Orlando refused to be pulled.  Although slighter in build than Sean, Orlando had muscled up after rings and had worked out hard after what happened to him, to get those muscles back, he was able to resist Sean’s pull.  Sean relaxed his hold.  If he could con Orli into thinking he had given up, he could surprise him and get him out of the way, so he could get through the door. It worked kind of for a second but Orlando was too quick.

“Oh no you don’t, Sean.  I’m not that stupid.”

Orlando threw his weight out as a counterpoint to Sean pull.

Sean growled and began to struggle, the strength he was applying to it all gradually increasing, but he did not want to hurt Orlando.

“Orlando I don’t want to hurt you, now for god’s sake let me go. He was almost shouting now.”

“Sean I’ve told you. You can’t hurt me. And I am not letting you leave.  WE are not letting you leave.”

“You must, you have to!” Sean increased the struggle, but Orlando wasn’t giving up.

“Sean, remember that time when all I wanted to do was to die and I was trying to run out of the house in London to throw myself under a tube.”

Sean nodded in the midst of the struggle.

“You got hold of me Sean and no matter how hard I struggled and fought you refused to let go.  It didn’t matter what I did, you wouldn’t let me go. I made a hell of a mess of your shins and knees kicking and fighting you but still you wouldn’t let go.” Orlando finally managed to master Sean and get both arms around the struggling man. “And I’m not letting go now, Sean.”  He panted a bit.  “I hurt you then, hurt you quite badly, if I remember right and you still held on.  If you want to hurt me now, go ahead, but I will hold on Sean, I will still hold on.”

Suddenly Viggo was there and he too put his arms around the struggling man.

“And so will I.”

The fight went out of Sean all at once.  Exhaustion was taking its toll and he sagged against his two friends. Gently, they guided him back to the sofa.

Once more Sean found himself snuggled between his friends, their gentle hands tenderly caressing his face and hair and stroking his arms and shoulders.

He gave in to it.  He pushed the demons away for a moment and gave in to the feeling of being touched by these too men he loved so much.

Viggo and Orlando shared another of those knowing looks over Sean’s head.  Viggo raised his eyebrows in question and Orlando nodded once. They both turned to Sean, and now it was Viggo who spoke.

“Sean, Orlando and I have something that we want to say to you and we want you to just listen to everything, before you say anything back, or make any judgments. Can you do that?”

Sean nodded. He tensed a little; the demons were beginning to return. Feeling the increased tension Viggo and Orlando renewed their gentle ministrations, as Viggo continued speaking.

“Sean, when Orlando and I invited you over here today we had an ulterior motive.”

Sean’s face expressed his slight surprise but he said nothing.

“We invited you over to try and tell you something.  Something that both of us have been feeling for some time now. It took us a while to work things out but last night we talked about it between us for a long time. We sorted it out and decided that we wanted to tell you what it was. We weren’t necessarily going to actually tell you today, we wanted to try and show you how we felt and let you take things at your own speed, but at this moment we feel that with things being the way they are, we should tell you now.”

Sean, we, Orlando and I love you.  Not just as a friend not the way you think, as a mate, but we love you the way we love each other.  We don’t want to scare you and we’re not asking for anything from you. We love you too much to do that, but we wanted you to know.” Viggo paused a little and swallowed. “It’s because we love you that we can’t let you go.  We can’t let you go through this alone. We won’t let you.  It doesn’t matter if you don’t want us, ‘like that’, but we cannot let you be alone in all this.  Not after what you have done for us and not with the way we both feel about you.”

Sean’s face was a picture. Shock, surprise, astonishment, amazement all seemed to chase each other across his features. His breathing was shallow and a little rapid but only from surprise.

‘Could this be true? Had he really heard what Viggo had just said?  Did they really mean it?  Could they possibly mean it?’

He scanned their faces carefully looking for signs of a joke or a laugh but he found none. All he saw was absolute sincerity, total conviction and … unconditional love. Once more the tears sprung to Sean’s eyes but these were different tears to the ones he seemed to shed all the time now. 

“You mean it don’t you he whispered. “You really mean it.”

“We do.” Viggo replied.

“We do.” Orlando repeated.  “With all our hearts.”

Sean’s breathing lengthened and he sighed deeply.

“Thank-you,” another whisper and now he just had to say it.  He couldn’t keep it inside any longer.

“I love you too Orlando Viggo.

They kissed him then gently and tenderly each pouring all their love and caring into the action, and to their absolute joy, Sean kissed them back.

(TBC)